


Voicemail

by hopeisnotcrazy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coming Out, Destiel - Freeform, Fluff, Homophobia, M/M, My First Destiel Fanfic, Romance, dean and cas - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2014-10-11
Packaged: 2018-02-09 06:42:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 7,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1972761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopeisnotcrazy/pseuds/hopeisnotcrazy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean has always admired Castiel, from his clear blue eyes to his quiet confidence. But as the two men grow closer, Dean has trouble accepting his own reality- that he is in love. While Cas struggles to understand the nature of their relationship, Dean tries to come to terms with himself and open up to the people he loves.</p><p>(I write pretty short chapters, so they're updated often.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Supernatural fanfic! Enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first Destiel fanfic! Enjoy!
> 
> (sorry about the formatting, it's fixed in the next chapters.)

Voicemail again.  
Dean sighs. He had known that Cas wouldn’t pick up, but the reality of it is hard for him to bear. He still holds the phone up to his ear, closing his eyes as he listens to the angel’s soft voice. The same message he had heard dozens of times, each meaning the same thing: he can’t talk to Cas. He can’t hear his words of blunt comfort, feel the tenderness that was only revealed when it’s Dean on the other end of the line.  
He puts his phone down, lying back on the motel bed. He feels his aching bones sink into the mattress, setting down a day’s worth of pain with them. If only Cas was there, he thinks, to rub his shoulders. To gently nudge him into sleep. Then they could lie there together, for as long as they wanted. Cas would close his eyes, imagine that he could join Dean in his dreams. They could stay there for hours. Dean pictures it, and smiles. That’s what he wants. Someone he loves sleeping beside him.  
Dean is awakened from this daydream by Sam, who enters the motel room with news from their current hunt. Dean doesn’t want to hear it. He want’s Castiel’s voice, telling him it’ll be alright. But there’s only Sam.  
“Let’s go find a bar. I need a drink,” Dean suggests, interrupting his brother.  
“You always need a drink.”  
“Well, today especially.”  
The brothers step outside, loading into the Impala. “Here,” Dean says, tossing the keys to Sam. “You can drive.” Sam looks questioning, but says nothing. He revs the engine, Dean still quiet, lost in his fantasy from before.  
“You okay tonight?” Sam asks, worried about his brother. “You seem, I dunno, not yourself.”  
“I’m fine. Just tired.”  
Sam nods. Dean just looks ahead at the road, listening to the rain pound through the night. It is so loud, Dean almost forgets his worries. But looking over at his brother, seeing his content, they come rushing back. Sam could never know about Cas. Dean had to be strong for him.  
When they get to the bar, Sam and Dean head straight for the counter. Sam picks up a drink and goes to play pool, but Dean sits down, holding a glass to whiskey in his hand without taking a sip.  
“I’ve never seen you here before,” the bartender says coily. She has long dark hair, big brown eyes, and a very revealing top. She bats her eyelashes flirtatiously at Dean.  
“Yeah, I’m just passing through.” Dean usually tried to indulge the women he met with some nice small talk, maybe something more, but tonight he isn’t in the mood. It just hurts too much. He can’t help but imagine speaking to Cas like that, having him so close Dean could feel the heat radiating off him. Knowing it could never happen.  
“You here on business?” The bartender presses.  
“You could call it that.”  
The bartender laughs. Dean allows himself a short smile, but even that feels like a betrayal.  
“You and me, we’ve got a lot in common,” she continues. “We should get together sometime.”  
Dean looks up at her. “Like…”  
“Like a date,” she finishes.  
“I’m sorry,” Dean says carefully. He’s not used to this, to saying no. “I’m… taken.”  
“You have a girlfriend?”  
“Uh… kind of. It’s complicated.” Dean shrugs, trying to validate his excuse.  
“Sure,” the bartender replies. Dean can tell she’s disappointed. She turns her back on him, going over to serve another customer. After a minute, Sam comes up to his brother at the bar.  
“Dude,” Sam says.  
“What?” Dean replies, confused.  
“That bartender was really into you! She practically invited you to move in with her!”  
“So?”  
“So, she’s hot,” Sam says.  
“She’s not my type,” Dean retorts, unsteady.  
“Everyone’s your type, Dean. You’d do a grandma if she stayed awake long enough.”  
Dean doesn’t say anything. The whiskey is still in his hand, untasted. He looks up at his brother.  
“Come on Dean, what’s gotten into you?” Sam glances at Dean, noticing the distant eyes, the shaky hands, the sealed lips. “You sure you’re fine?”  
“I’m okay, Sammy. Just tired, that’s all.”  
“You can have the keys if you want to head back to the motel. I’m gonna stay here for another couple games,” Sam says, gesturing to the pool table. He tosses the Impala’s keys to his brother, who lets them fall into his hands. Sam then turns away.  
Dean sighs. He might as well head back to the room. Then, with a small bit of courage, he downs the untouched whiskey in one gulp and leaves the bar. He is, he decides, going to see Castiel tonight.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is beginning to have feelings for his friend Cas, and the two explore their newfound love while dealing with the repercussions of their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two: Cas visits Dean at the motel, and Dean has trouble expressing his feelings for Cas. Cas helps him out a bit. ;)

When Dean gets back to the motel room, it is still raining outside. The thunder softly moans through the darkness, giving dean a small offering of comfort on the lonely night.

Sitting down on his bed, Dean takes out his cell phone. He contemplates whether or not to call Cas, He knows no one will answer, but the sound of the voicemail is as close as he can get to his friend. He makes up his mind, flipping open his phone and selecting Cas’s name.

As the phone rings, Dean is jittery, bouncing his legs up and down. He always gets this way, thinking of Castiel. He can’t help it.

“Hello, you’ve reached the voicemail of-”

Dean sighs. Cas is never going to pick up. As the beep sounds, he decides to leave a message anyways. What harm could it do?

“Hey, Cas,” Dean says, looking up at the ceiling. His message is like a prayer: an answerless plea for help. “I was just… thinking of you. Wondering where you are. I haven’t seen you in a while. I-” he pauses. “I miss you. Call back when you can.”

“I received your calls, Dean.”

Dean turns around. He hasn’t even put his phone down yet, and already someone is standing behind him.

“Cas?”

“Hello Dean.”

“How long have you been standing there?”

“Long enough. I heard your voicemail. I’m sorry I haven’t visited you and your brother in a while. Things have been… complicated. In Heaven.”

“Complicated how?” Dean asks, standing up to face Castiel. “Like, I-just-banged-my-ex-wife complicated, or The Matrix complicated?”

“I didn’t know you were married.”

“Listen, Cas, just tell me what’s going down up there.” Dean looks at Cas, so happy to be in the same room as him at last.

“Just some civil unrest. Nothing I can’t handle.” Cas looks at Dean, studying his face, the furrow of his brow and the longing in his eyes. “Pardon me if I am mistaken, but you seem preoccupied.”

“Yeah, well, that’s well observed,” Dean replies, looking down at his hands.

“Dean, I’m not very good at reading people-”

“Tell me about it,” Dean scoffs in agreement.

“-But I can tell something’s wrong. I will have you know that I am a very secure confidant. I have no one to whom I would tell your secrets.”

“Thanks, Cas,” Dean says. “I’m okay. It’s just really good to see you, that’s all.” Really good to see you, Dean thinks. Really good to hear you, to feel you, to taste you. To be with you.

“It’s good to see you too, Dean,” Cas replies.

“Yeah.”

They stand in silence for minutes, Castiel looking straight ahead and Dean studying his own shoes. After forever, Cas speaks.

“I don’t know,” he says uncertainly. “Should I- should I come to sit with you?”

Dean sits down on the motel bed, and Cas comes to join him. He forgets the personal space rule and sits with his leg touching Dean’s, but for once Dean doesn’t mind.

“Dean?” Cas asks, turning to face him. Their faces are so close, Dean can feel Castiel’s soft, silent breath. He can taste the angel’s essence, strong and hot.

“Mmh?” Dean murmurs in reply.

“I think I understand how you feel.”

“Oh yeah?” Dean asks, suspicious. “How do I feel?”

“Like this.”

Cas leans in towards Dean, letting their eyes meet. He pauses, is still for a moment, frozen with his face inches from Dean’s, unsure of whether to continue. Then, all in one motion, Dean closes his green eyes and presses his lips to Cas’s. It is unlike any other kiss Dean had shared before. It is more real. It counts.

They stay there forever, breathing as one. Cas’s eyes stay open the entire time, partly because he doesn’t know to close them and partly so he can watch Dean’s face as his worries melt away into nothing.

At last, they pull away, lost in the euphoria of a first kiss.

“I had never done that before,” Cas says, smiling apologetically.

“Done what?” Dean answers.

“Kissed someone.”

“Well, for the record, I had never kissed a guy before,” Dean says. “I had never kissed you before.”

“Had you wanted to?” Asks Cas.

Dean pauses a moment before answering. “Yeah.”

“Me, too,” Cas says.

They sit there on the bed in silence, inhaling each other’s sensations, until Castiel finally speaks. “Do you want to do it again?”

Dean smiles a little bit as he replies. “Sure.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas share a passionate kiss in the motel room, but Dean has second thoughts about the relationship, and is forced to explain them to Castiel, who has a hard time understanding human bigotry.
> 
> (this scene takes place immediately after chapter 2. also sorry about changing to past tense, but I had already written the whole thing before I noticed.)

His lips were soft, and cold.

Why wouldn’t they be? Thought Dean. He was an angel, after all. Kissing him was different than kissing anyone else. Cas had no knowledge of what was supposed to happen, so he acted on instinct alone. Dean tried to follow his lead, but whenever he opened his eyes or came up for breath, he was jolted back into reality: He was kissing Cas. The man he had loved since laying eyes on him.

And it did feel good, the short bristle of Castiel’s unshaven face, the strength of his shoulders, the way he kept his eyes slightly open as they kissed. It was better than Dean could imagine. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was doing something wrong. Yes, Cas was perfect, and Dean loved him, but Dean was scared. Scared of what people would think, what Bobby would think, what Sam would think, everything. He was scared of the looks, of the talks. He didn’t want to this for his life.

They were still kissing, sitting on the motel bed. There were no hands below the waist, just lips and eyes, inhaling and exhaling together. Dean felt Cas’s tender mouth moving against his own, the sweet taste of his breath in his face.

It was eternity they stayed there, kissing. But finally, Dean pulled away, breaking the spell and opening his eyes. 

“Why have we stopped?” Asked Cas, looking questioningly at Dean.

“Cas,” Dean began. “We should talk.”

“What about?” Cas said, moving closer to Dean.

“Us,” said Dean. “You can’t tell anyone about us. Not Bobby. Not your angel friends. And especially not Sam.”

“Why not?” Cas asked.

“This just has to stay a secret, alright?”

“Yes Dean, I understand that part.” Cas looks down. “What I want to know is why.”

Dean sighed. He had known that he would have to explain this to Cas eventually, but he never thought it would be this soon.

“Dean?” Cas asked again, pressing for an answer.

“Some people,” he began. “Well, a lot of people- think that two guys being together is wrong. Like, really wrong.”

Cas looked confused. “I don’t understand.”

“Yeah, well it doesn’t make much sense to me either. Honestly, most of them think it because of religion. ‘A man shalt not lie with a man’ and all that crap.”

“Who would use faith to inflict such hate?” Castiel wondered aloud. “If anything, my father preaches love to the masses.”

“I know,” Dean agreed. “But these people are hell bent on getting rid of them.”

“Getting rid of whom?” Castiel asked.

“Gay people,” Dean replied. Seeing Cas’s furrowed brow, he elaborated. “Guys who like guys, girls who like girls, you know.”

“So…” Cas wondered. “Getting rid of us?”

Dean looked away, but was unable to avoid the angel’s blue-eyed gaze.

“I don’t know,” Dean said. “Are you gay, Cas?”

“I have no sexual orientation. I am an angel.”

“Lucky you,” Dean said under his breath.

“What about you, Dean?” Castiel asked, leaning in closer. “Are you… gay?”

Dean exhaled loudly, hastily standing up from the bed. Cas stood with him, still studying Dean’s face.

“Why are we standing?”

“I think you should go now,” Dean said. “Sam should be getting back soon.”

“But-”

“See you later, Cas.” Dean showed Castiel to the door. “Don’t tell anyone, remember.”

“Okay Dean, but-”

Dean closed the door.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean at night, his thoughts keeping him awake.
> 
> (a lot of what Dean is feeling in this chapter is taken from personal experiences in my own life. Sorry it's such a short chapter! more will be coming soon.)

Dean sighed. He hadn’t really wanted to kick Cas out, but he certainly hadn’t wanted to answer his question. It gnawed at him from the inside, consuming every moment with lies and worry. The answer, he knew. He had always known. But saying it aloud, even to himself? Impossible.

He was at the sink brushing his teeth when Sam came in, carrying with him the sharp scents from the bar. “Hey,” Sam said. “What’s up?”

Dean shrugged. “Nothing.”

Sam gave his brother a questioning look, but decided to let it be. If Dean didn’t want to talk, he didn’t want to talk.

The truth was, half the fibers in Dean’s body were telling him to break down and cry, to fall into someone’s arms and confess his whole story. But there were no arms to fall into. And Dean’s other half’s lips were sealed.

Dean finished washing up and got into bed. He turned the light off, trying to lose himself in the darkness. It wasn’t that easy. His thoughts wouldn’t stop ricocheting around his head, and his arms and legs were restless. His bed also felt empty, like he should have someone sleeping beside him, breathing with him, resting their head on his rising and falling chest. And a nagging voice in the back of his head said that person should be Castiel.

The quiet noise of the rain outside was like a lullabye, but as the night went on it turned to the harsh sounds of thunder. “Angels bowling,” Dean thought to himself, still lying awake. He thought of Cas, the feeling of his lips, his hand. His deep, tranquil voice whispering in Dean’s ear, nuzzling his neck. Dean wanted that so badly. But he had pushed Cas away, avoiding his questions. Avoiding himself.

Because that was what this was really about. Dean couldn’t face himself, handle his own reality. He knew, he had always known, the truth. At least deep down, where nobody could reach, he was sure. But he couldn’t say it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Sam have breakfast, and Dean is reluctant to call Cas for help with their hunt.

Dean and Sam ate breakfast in silence. The diner they sat in was nearly empty at the early hour, only serving rushed truckers and road-tripping families. And, of course, Sam and Dean, who had risen early despite Dean getting next to no sleep the night before.

Sam noticed quickly that Dean wasn’t eating, and tried to force some eggs on him, but Dean only poked at the dish, causing Sam to again wonder about his brother’s emotional state. Dean hadn’t been acting like himself lately, he’d been quieter, more tense, more distracted. At first Sam thought it was about some girl, but now he wasn’t so sure.

Stabbing at the eggs his brother had made him order, Dean tried to focus on the hunt. Demons and angels, souls and weapons. All the facts jumbled themselves in his mind like and unsolved rubix cube. Everything he thought of led him back to Cas. And when Dean thought of Cas, he felt both a rising in his chest and a drop in his stomach. Rising because he wanted to be with Cas, and falling because he was convinced it could never happen.

“Dean,” Sam said, pulling his brother from his thoughts.

“What?” Dean replied, looking down at the eggs.

“Seriously Dean, you sure you’re okay? You’ve been, like, way out of it.”

“Yeah, yeah Sammy. I’m good.”

“Good.” The brothers were quiet for a minute until Sam continued. “I was thinking about the case.”

“And?” Dean said.

“And, if the thing that’s killing all these people really is an angel, maybe we should get an expert. Maybe we should call Cas.”

“No way,” Dean replied, way to quickly.

“Why not?” Sam asked suspiciously.

“Because,” Dean tried to think of a lie. “I mean, we don’t even know if it’s an angel.” Lame, he told himself. Of course it was an angel.

“Of course it’s an angel,” Sam said. “What else could it be?”

Dean shrugged. He couldn’t let Sam find out the real reason he didn’t want Cas to help: So Dean wouldn’t have to deal with what happened the night before in the motel room. He wasn’t ready for that, for feeling Cas’s childish eyes on him.

“Exactly,” Sam said in response to Dean’s shrug. “It’s definitely an angel. I’m gonna call Cas. Castiel?”

“Hello Sam. Dean.” Cas had appeared in their booth out of nothing, He didn’t so much as glance at Dean, and Dean kept his eyes on his eggs.

“Hey, Cas,” Sam said. “So, the case we’re working on-”

“It is an angel, if that’s what you were wondering.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Sam replied, taken aback. “How did you know?”

“I’ve been…” Cas paused to sneak a glance at Dean, who was staring red-faced at his hands. “...Checking up on you. The angel involved is named Iscah. She’s very dangerous, very cunning, and has a well crafted plan to rise to power in Heaven.

“And that involves killing dozens of innocent people?”

“Innocent is key. They have to be virtuous, moral civilians. That way, they’re sure to go to Heaven. From there she can have total power over them.”

“What does she want to do with them?” Sam asked.

“Create an army,” Castiel replied solemnly. “Taking over Heaven is no small job. The results could be disastrous. That’s why we have to stop her.”

“Wait wait wait.” Dean spoke for the first time since Cas arrived. “We?”

“Yes,” Cas said, looking straight at Dean. “Iscah’s power is too great to be faced by humans alone. I can accompany you and keep you safe.”

“Thanks,” Dean offered. “But I think Sam and I’ve got it covered.”

Castiel looked sadly at Dean, his eyes filled with disappointment.

“Dean,” Sam interrupted. “Uh, no we don’t have it covered. If Cas says we need help, we need help.”

Dean sighed in submission. Cas looked at him with a combination of grief and anger.

“Uh,” Sam tried, sensing the discomfort. “I’m gonna get the check.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam leaves Dean and Cas in the hotel room to talk about their feelings. 
> 
> (I won't be updating for a while because I'll be traveling. Sorry!)

Cas went with Sam and Dean back to the motel room, much to the older brother’s dismay. Every moment Dean spent with Cas was awkward and uncomfortable, and Sam sensed it immediately. He knew something had happened between the two men, and he knew it would be impossible to work with them on a case if they wouldn’t even look at each other. He had to do something to make them figure it out, and just talking to them wouldn’t work. So, he devised a plan.

“I think I, uh, left my phone at the diner,” Sam lied. “I’m gonna drive back there and grab it. You two stay here.” Sam left Dean and Cas alone in the motel room, silently staring at the floor together. Maybe they could figure whatever this was out

“Dean,” Cas said after a while. “We should… we should talk.”

Dean said nothing. He didn’t want to talk, especially not to Cas. Cas wouldn’t get it. Cas would ask too many questions. Cas was naive. 

“I know this is hard for you, Dean,” Cas said. “Talking about your feelings has never been your forte.” When Dean held his silence, Cas continued, more forcefully. “We have to discuss this sometime.”

“No, we don’t!” Dean said finally. “There’s nothing to talk about!”

“Yes there is, Dean.” Castiel moved to sit beside his friend. “What happened last night… I know you need to talk about it. I know you’re just as lost as I am.”

Dean looked up. “You’re… lost?”

Cas nodded. “Just because I don’t have to worry about ‘homophobia’ doesn’t mean I have no concerns. My brothers aren’t exactly cheering me on to make friends with humans, and they certainly would not condone an angel in a relationship with one. We’re in this together, Dean.”

“I just…” Dean shut his eyes, trying to block it all out. “I just don’t know.”

“What don’t you know?” Cas asked.

“Anything. Everything.”

“Does this help?” Cas leaned in to kiss Dean on the lips, gently and softly, then quickly pulled away,

“No, Cas,” Dean said. “I don’t know.”

“Dean.”

Dean looked into Cas’s blue eyes, seeing their hope and desperation. Cas reached out and took Dean’s hand, holding it on his knee.

“Is this okay?” Asked Cas.

“Yeah.”

“Dean,” Cas began. “I care about you more than I’ve ever cared about anybody else. I have since the moment I met you. I want to be with you, Dean, for real. Please say you want to be with me too.”

Dean was quiet. Cas could feel his pulse in his hand, beating quickly and steadily.

“Say something,” Cas pleaded.

“Yes,” Dean said.

“What?”

“Yes, I do want to be with you, Cas.”

Cas smiled, a real smile, and hugged Dean. They remained there together for a long time, holding each other close. Dean breathed in the angel, feeling his arms around him. He felt safe, secure, like he could stay there for eternity. But after forever, they let got, looking at each other with a new life in their eyes.

“So…” Cas asked. “Are we… together?”

“I dunno,” said Dean.

“I’ve never had a boyfriend before.”

“Me neither.” Dean smiled a little.

“Then let’s just be beginners together.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A (very) short scene in which awkwardness occurs in a motel room.
> 
> MORE IS COMING VERY SOON!!!!

When Sam entered the motel room, Dean and Cas were standing around, trying to look normal. They had agreed not to tell anyone about them yet, and that included Sam. It would be difficult to hide from someone they spent so much time with, but Dean was insistent that his little brother be left in the dark.

Sam noticed the tension between Dean and the angel had dissolved, but still felt a lingering awkwardness as he walked into the quiet room. Glancing back and forth from Dean to Cas, he tried to figure out what was up. Cas was standing squarely, looking unblinking at Sam. Dean was leaning ever-so-casually against the windowsill, his eyes uncomfortably darting around. Sam was unsure and vaguely curious, but decided to press no further.

“So,” Sam said, trying to loosen up the room. “This angel could be anywhere. We need to track her if we want to stop her.”

“She’s only going after heaven-bound souls,” Cas offered, still not breaking his stare. “Finding the pattern between the victims will be crucial.”

Sam reached into his bag. “I’ve got the obituaries of everyone who’s been killed so far. Maybe two of us could stay here and check those for connections, and the other could head to town to talk to some witnesses.”

“Dean and I will stay here,” Cas said abruptly. Sam looked startled by the proclamation, but suspiciously agreed. Was there something they weren’t telling him?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas share a Moment. And talk about pizza. And, ya know, kiss.

Sam was gone, off to town, leaving Dean and Cas alone in the motel room once more. Dean pulled out a folder filled with newspaper clippings, obituaries of the angel’s victims.

“We can start with these. Read through them. Find similarities,” Dean instructed Cas, dropping the folder onto one of the beds. Cas looked up at him.

“Similarities?”

“Yeah,” Dean replied. “Like, if all of the victims lived in the same neighborhood or went to the same bar or something. Anything to connect them.”

“They all went to the same church,” Cas said immediately.

“Wow, uh, that was quick,” Dean said. “What church?”

Castiel thought for a moment. “Saint John’s. Most of the townspeople go there. Father Robert O’Connell is a very captivating speaker, but he has a bit of a drinking problem.The citizens look to him for moral guidance.”

“Alright,” Dean said, slightly unnerved by the angel’s detail. If he knew that much about a stranger, how much did he know about Dean? “Saint John’s. I’ll call Sam.”

As Dean left a message on his brother’s cell, Cas studied Dean’s tightened face. The square jaw, the sharp but sunken eyes, the subtle five-o'clock shadow. Cas could see the years of pain drawn on the man’s face, the steel in his look, the lines of guilt and worry that had accumulated over time. Cas wanted nothing more than to make that hurt go away, to make Dean whole again.

“So I guess that’s that,”Dean said, breaking Cas’s reverie.

“What?” Cas asked.

“We found the connection. The church. We’re duty-free, at least until Sam calls back.” Dean looked over at Cas. He didn’t know what he was expected to do. He searched for some kind of signal, but the angel’s eyes were blank except for the glow, the bright intelligence that always visible there. “Um…” Dean said.

Castiel took Dean’s hand, massaging Dean’s palm with his thumb. Cas pulled the other man towards him, so they were standing just inches apart, face to face.

“Hi,” Cas offered quietly. Dean could feel the warm breath of the word on his face.

“Hey,” he replied, looking down at his shoes. Cas smiled, lopsided. They were still holding hands.

“I-” Cas began, laughing a bit. “I am very happy right now.”

Dean blinked up, his eyes resting with Castiel’s.

“Human’s always speak of this feeling. The warmth. Spreading through you.” Cas held Dean’s other hand. “To me, it feels like I am holding a box of very hot food. Like a pizza. That is how I feel right now.”

“Like a pizza?” Dean laughed.

“Yes. Like a very hot, fresh from the oven pizza. That is how I feel when I’m with you.”

“You make me feel like a pizza too, Cas,” Dean said. At that moment, Dean felt himself falling in love. It was a scary feeling. But also hopeful. Smiling, Dean leaned in to kiss Cas. Their lips met between them, over their still-held hands. Dean’s eyelids fluttered closed, his head tilted to the right. Cas kept his blue eyes open, watching some of the pain leave Dean’s face. After forever, they pulled away.

“That was the first time you went in first,” Cas said.

“I know,” Dean replied. He felt so happy.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much to say about this chapter, really...

Dean and Cas sat down at the foot of one of the hotel beds, facing each other. Dean leaned in, more quickly this time, for a kiss, and Cas obliged, not minding the stubble. The kiss was long and slow, patient, like they knew they were anticipating more. Dean loved the feeling of Cas’s lips, careful and cautious as they met his own. Dean let go of Cas’s hand and rested it on the angel’s shoulder. Dean’s fingers stroked the back of Cas’s neck, feeling the boyishly uncut hair tracing down towards his back.

Pulling away from the kiss, Dean smiled. Castiel smiled back.

“Wait,” Dean whispered, holding up one finger. Dean took off his jacket and kicked off his shoes. Cas followed suit. They were both left in t-shirts. Dean looked down at himself. He had never felt so vulnerable, even though he was practically fully clothed. Cas noticed the insecurity in his eyes, and asked a question.

“Are you okay?”

“Yup,” Dean replied.

They fell back on the bed, feeling the springs creak. They kissed, again and again, their chests rising and falling in a syncopated unison. Dean rolled over so he was on top of Cas, their eyes together and their legs in a beautiful tangle. Cas peaked his head up, kissing Dean lightly. To Dean, it was like he had before kissed all the stars, and now he was kissing the sun.

To Cas, it felt like a pizza.

They were happy, rustling around, laughing, kissing. Until Dean saw the Impala pull into the motel parking lot.

“Shit!” Dean exclaimed, awakened from his dream of joy.

“What?”

“Sam.”

Castiel wasn’t sure what the big deal was, but nevertheless he put on his shoes and jacket and sat in a chair opposite Dean, reading an obituary. When Sam entered the room, the only sign of anything extraordinary was the look of hope on Dean’s face.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The boys visit a conservative, fundamentalist church. Fun. 
> 
> (This chapter is pretty intense, FYI. I'd also like to note that I don't believe that all or even most churches are like this, but sadly, some are.)

“Hey.”

Sam walked in, seeing Dean and Castiel sitting across from each other at the small table in the motel. The two men were exchanging glances, and Dean seemed a bit happier than usual. Good, thought Sam. Good, but weird.

“I got your message about the church,” Sam said.

“Yeah,” Dean replied. “Cas and I did some… research.”

Sam raised his eyebrows, but continued. “I checked it out on the way over. They’ve got a 7pm mid-week service tonight. I thought we could go over and check it out, talk to the Priest, get the scoop?”

“Wait, these people need to worship on Wednesdays?” Dean interrupted. “One religious brainwashing per week is more than enough for me.”

Sam sighed. “It might not be that bad.”

\- - - - -

‘HOMOSEXUALITY IS A SIN. CHRIST CAN SET YOU FREE!’

Read the marquee outside of Saint John’s.

“I guess it will be that bad,” Sam said, grimacing. “It’s more… fundamentalist than I thought.”

Cas had been quiet this whole time. He didn’t understand why Dean was so urgent to keep everything a secret, but Cas was trying his best to do so. He knew himself to say the wrong thing, so he instead said nothing. It was easier that way.

Dean, on the other hand, was shocked into silence. Seeing that message, seeing it written out so explicitly reassured his fears. It made his skin crawl, his stomach turn. He was not only angry, he was furious, heartbroken, terrified. He hoped Cas didn’t understand the sign. He didn’t want the angel to view such hate.

The three men reluctantly entered the church, sitting down in the very back row. Slowly the pews began to fill up with the elderly, young couples, small children, everyone. It seemed like the whole town was in attendance.

Father O’Connell walked up the aisle to the front of the church, holding his hands up for silence. 

“Sin!” He shouted. “Sin is everywhere! We are all sinners! Look around at the faces beside you! These are the faces of sinners!”

Sam glanced without thinking to his left and to his right. He saw his brother- a drinker, an adulterer, a murderer- and Castiel, the angel. How could both be sinners?

“Homosexuality is a sin!” The Priest continued. “The Bible says: A man shalt not lie with a man as he would with a woman. And it is the truth. To do so is unnatural, against the Lord’s natural order. If your child has chosen to become a homosexual, you set him straight! If your brother tries to tell you that this abomination is natural, you give him God’s word!”

Dean knew the Priest meant ‘brother’ loosely, but he couldn’t help but feel Sam’s eyes. Could they see the change? Could they detect the lies? Dean swallowed, trying to hide his thoughts.

“The guidance of Christ can free the sinner. If you choose the right path, choose to feel His love, you will be forgiven.”

Whose love? thought Dean. God’s? Or Cas’s?

“God is loving, God is forgiving. Christ will free you from your sin.”

As Father O’Connell spoke, Castiel thought.

My father said no such thing.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam speaks to O'Connell, hoping to find information about Iscah's victims.

“That was an… um… interesting sermon,” Sam told Father O’Connell after the service was completed. He was trying to hide his disagreement in hopes he could get information about the case.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it,” the Priest replied warmly. “I feel it’s necessary to bring up the topic oftentimes. So many young people choosing such a vile, sinful lifestyle. Someone has to teach the word of God.”

Sam cringed inwardly at O’Connell’s rhetoric, feeling the impulse to argue, to debate. But he had to keep his cool if he wanted to get any information. Reluctantly, he continued. 

“The recent tragedies- the deaths of several of your congregation- I’m so sorry.”

“Yes, those losses were awful,” the Priest leaned in closer to Sam, lowering his voice. “But to tell you the truth, none of those people were perfect.”

“Who is?” Sam replied.

“Well, very few people,” sighed O’Connell. “But what I mean is that the victims were not perfect Christians. They were… rebels. Liberals. Dare I say… Hippies? Not one of those poor souls was loyal to Jesus. I suppose now they must beg for forgiveness.”

“If they weren’t loyal, why did they attend the church?” Sam unwillingly pressed on, feeling more dislike for the man every passing minute.

“Most of them weren’t regulars. They attended occasionally, with family. But son, why so curious?”

“Just wondering.” Sam forced a smile. “Thanks, Father.”

“God bless you.”

Sam shuddered, hurrying away. It was one thing to hear about such people, and another to actually speak with one. He glanced around for Dean and Cas, and spotted them speaking quietly by the door. As Sam approached, they halted their conversation, looking up at the taller man.

“Find anything?” Dean asked. “I mean, besides the fact that half these people are bigoted lunatics.”

“More than half. And yeah,” Sam said. “None of the victims were actually all that virtuous. At least not by O’Connell’s standards. Are you sure you read those obituaries carefully enough? You might have missed something.”

Dean and Castiel looked uncomfortably at each other. The truth was, they hadn’t so much as glanced at the obits. They were too busy with more important matters.

Sam again noticed the awkwardness. There was something his companions weren’t telling him. “Yeah, we should go through them again. The Priest and I have very different opinions of what’s wrong and what’s right.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam, Dean, and Cas discuss the case. 
> 
> (More Destiel is coming soon!)

The boys ordered pizza back in the motel room and drank lukewarm beer to keep themselves going. They were reading through the obituaries again, trying to find out how the victims could be considered virtuous by all but the church.

“I dunno, maybe doucheface O’Connell just has really high moral standards,” Dean conjectured between bites.

“No, he specifically said the victims were ‘liberals’ and ‘hippies’.” Sam replied.

“Yeah, but what did he mean by that?” Dean asked. “The way you described him, it sounded like he was talking about a specific incident.”

“Did you two get anywhere talking to anyone else?” Sam wondered, looking at Dean and Cas. Castiel had barely said a word to Sam all evening out of fear he might let the secret slip. But now, he spoke.

“Several women mentioned a protest last May,” Castiel said. “The victims were said to be active participants.”

“What kind of protest?” Dean asked.

“Against the church.”

“Maybe Iscah -or whatever her name is- wants souls who will also rebel against Heaven,” Sam suggested. “I mean, it’s possible, right?”

“Yeah, but if they protest against the church, how does she know they’ll make it to heaven?” Dean wondered.

“The Church is-” Castiel paused. “-blatantly wrong about many things. Maybe the issue in question is one of them.”

“And do you know what the issue in question is?”

“No,” Cas said shamefully.

“Great,” Dean rolled.

“How is that great?”

Sam and Dean sighed together.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Days pass.

Days passed. Long, hot summer days of research and questionings. Too-short nights of stolen kisses and kept promises. Castiel dropped in and out while the sun was high, but always returned to the spare motel room where he and Dean met once Sam was asleep. Their secret was concealed by the drowning darkness outside, and by the prayer that Sam would never notice his brother’s frequent absence.

On these summer nights, Dean shut the door carefully as he snuck out to meet Cas. Usually they crept into the room Cas reserved. They would lie together, rarely speaking, just breathing as they held each other. But sometimes, when the moon was new and the night was thick and dark, the two men met outside, behind the motel, where the air was empty and clear. It was there, in the fading light of the street lamps, that Dean felt closest to Cas. Like somehow, away from the confusion and disapproval of the motel, they could truly be together. Locking eyes, holding hands, cool wind brushing their souls together.

It all disappeared when they returned inside. The men would part without words, maybe with a kiss if the corridor was empty, and hand would slip from unlovable hand. Cas would vanish, and Dean would return to the unwelcoming room of his sleeping brother. There, he would betray himself to a deep sleep where Castiel found his way into Dean’s dreams.

Theirs was a lonely love affair. When Castiel was not assisting the Winchesters on their hunt or meeting Dean in the darkness, he wandered the forests, pondering. The relationship was confusing for him. He didn’t know how he felt about the secrecy, about the lies, about the stolen midnights. But he was happy, at least, with the way Dean held him, with the way it felt when their lips met. And that was enough.

Dean, on the other hand, knew how he felt. He knew that this life, a life with Cas, was all he wanted. He was also thoroughly convinced that he could never have it. His was the kind of fear that lies to itself, that sees the world with blurred eyes. If those eyes were clear, Dean would see a world where he was loved, where good was possible, where things worked themselves out in the end. Instead, he only saw pain, fear, loss. These thoughts haunted him all day. He was afraid. His only hope to forget was with Cas, in the isolation of the night.

Sam remained oblivious to everything. He noticed Cas’s uneasiness, Dean’s distraction, but didn’t give the oddities much thought. His sound sleep never was stirred by Dean’s secret rendezvous. He was too focused on the case to care anyway. Through hours of research and many inquiries, the boys had discovered Iscah’s pattern: she struck spirited, well meaning victims with lightning, always at midnight, always on Sundays. Their bodies were left unscarred, but their lives were ended and their souls swallowed up. Now, Sam reasoned, all they had to do was wait for a midnight lightning storm and catch her in the act.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean finds himself alone again...

It was a windy night, loud and rustling. Dean sat in the armchair by the window, looking outside at the stars. They made him think of Cas. Not just the heavenly association, but their persistent glow, like the angel’s blue eyes. They weren’t going anywhere.

When Dean was sure Sam was asleep, he slipped out of the motel room into the corridor. Room 104, where he and Cas could be alone together, was just at the opposite end of the hallway. Dean had an extra key, and quietly turned the door handle to enter. There were no lights on inside, instead a deep, empty darkness flooded over the threshold.

“Cas?” Dean whispered, shutting the door behind him. “You in here?”

With the door closed, it was pitch black in the room. Dean reached over to turn on a lamp, and an angelic glow radiated off the walls. But in the telling light, Dean could see clearly that Castiel was absent. “Cas?” he said again, just making sure. There was no answer. He knew the angel wouldn’t have waited outside on a bright night like this one- they only left the room when a shroud of darkness could hide them from view. Cas wasn’t there. Dean was alone.

He silently padded over to the bed, where he took off his jacket and shoes. It felt wrong to be in the room by himself, without Cas. There was an emptiness he couldn’t identify, a longing he couldn’t quite put his finger on. For nights, he had depended on the angel to always be there, to always say hello in the same low voice, to always hold him like he mattered. It was more than just missing Cas, more than frustration or anger. It was this intense loneliness holding on inside of him, filling him with nothingness. 

Dean slowly knelt beside the bed, folding his hands on the soft blue quilt. “Cas?” he said quietly, blinking the tears away from his green eyes. “Cas, I’m not the type of guy that prays, alright? I don’t see the point in asking something of someone who doesn’t give a crap. But Cas, if you’re there, if you’re listening, if you still care at all, where are you? Why aren’t you here? You have to tell me. You can’t just leave me like this.”

As Dean prayed, his words cracked and crumbled amid the choking of a man trying to hide his grief. When he was finished, he rubbed his eyes with trembling hands and stood up. An ache in his gut told him that no one had heard. Alone, he pulled the covers on the bed back and got in, tugging the sheets over his head. He curled up, feeling only his own warmth, not the heat of an angel holding him back. There was only a void, an empty place where Cas should have been.

Dean flicked the light off and closed his eyes. His last thought was his mother’s voice echoing inside his head.

“Angels are watching over you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (sorry, I never get around to posting new chapters. one or two more should be coming soon!)


	15. Happily Ever After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm in love with you, and you don't love me back!"
> 
> Dean and Cas have a final meeting, where they must decide between staying together or going it alone.

No angels came to watch over Dean that night.

He slept restlessly, turning about under the heavy quilt, cold as stone. It was a painful, dreamless sleep that left him angry and resentful, empty and thoroughly unrefreshed. 

When the morning sun finally peaked out from behind the curtains, it silhouetted a tall figure, backlit by the heavens.

“Cas?” Dean groaned, sitting up in bed.

“Hello, Dean,” the angel replied. “Good morning.”

“Good morning!? What the hell, Cas? You don’t show up at night, you leave me all alone, and that’s what you have to say for yourself?”

“I’m sorry, Dean, I can explain.” Castiel stepped closer to Dean, reaching out to place a hand on his shoulder.

“Explain?” Dean pushed the covers back and got out of bed, moving away from Cas’s extended arm. “Yeah, explain why you weren’t here! Explain why you didn’t show up!”

“I’m sorry. I was- busy.”

“You were busy.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying you’re sorry!” Dean was shouting now, his trembling voice shaking the room. 

“Look, Dean, I- I’m…” Cas looked down, straining for a word that was not an apology. It was times like these he most wished that he was human, that he could speak and act and feel the way Dean expected him to. But instead he fumbled, childish. Ashamed that he had no excuse.

“You know what?” Dean cut in, walking over to the door. “It’s okay. You’ve got more important things in your life than me. You’ve got angels to fight. People to save. Just- just go. I’ll be fine. It doesn’t matter. I don’t matter.”

Cas looked sadly into Dean’s green eyes, and stepped toward the door. He wanted to tell Dean so much- Dean needed to be told so much- but all Cas could do was walk towards the door. Finally, when his strong hand was just grasping the handle, he stopped and looked and Dean’s tearful face.

“Dean.”

“Just go.”

“Why?” The angel asked.

“Because I’m in love with you, dammit!” Dean shouted, trying not to cry. “I’m in love with you, and you don’t love me back.”

“Dean-”

“I love you, Cas! But I don’t deserve any of this, I don’t deserve you. I’m a hunter, I kill things, I save people- I’m not supposed to have a happy ending. And I thought, just for once, maybe I could. Maybe things could work out, maybe I could have my happily ever after. I was stupid to think that. I was stupid to believe that we had a chance.”

“Dean!”

“What?” Dean snapped.

“We do,” Cas said quietly.

“What?” 

“We do have a chance.”

Dean stepped back, leaning back on the motel wall. “Cas, please, you can leave-”

“No, Dean, listen to me.” The angel reached out to take Dean’s shaking hand. He held in in his, firmly, softly. Perfectly. “You’re human. And like all humans, you’re wrong. You do deserve this. You’re allowed to have a happy ending. You still could have your happily ever after. You’re not stupid to believe that you matter.”

“I can’t,” Dean said. “I can’t love you.”

“I’m an angel,” Cas said quietly. “I don’t feel things like humans do. I wasn’t created to have emotions, to love. You will never make my heartbeat quicken, because my heart does not keep me alive. You will never make my eyes water or my skin tingle because I am not meant to feel those things. But Dean, when you look at me, I can sense something different. It feels… it feels like fate. It feels like we were meant to be. And if that’s not love, I don’t know what is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the last chapter :( . I hope y'all enjoyed the story! Please comment!


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